Not Your Grandma’s Etiquette Classes

Learn to be charming!

I realize that I haven’t done myself any favors by calling my school the “Finishing School for Modern Women.” I get at least one call every month from parents, trying to find someone to teach their daughters “some manners.” I can understand their confusion, but I’m always amazed when long-time acquaintances, still, after nearly 10 years since the first class, think I teach etiquette.

I know this is because when people think of “Finishing Schools,” etiquette comes to mind. It takes them back to a time when women of culture attended learning institutions to learn how to navigate polite society, make their social debut, and become good wives for wealthy husbands. Or they confuse finishing schools with charm schools, where young women were taught manners, how to walk and talk like ladies, and to demurely follow the rules.

This is not what I do.

It started as a conversation about how to get out of the car in a skirt without showing off your underpants. I realized that there aren’t schools like Patricia Stevens Charm and Modeling School around anymore. I wondered if there might be a reason for that.

That made me curious about what a modern-day finishing school might look like. What kinds of skills do women need today to survive and thrive? We certainly need different skills now than training to be a poisoned, dutiful wife, especially since nearly 19 percent of households in the United States are headed by women.

My quirky sense of humor loves the irony. Once a place to polish women into perfection, now a playground for teaching modern women to smash the mold instead. Charm schools once taught women to stay in line—mine teaches them to draw their own. We’re more concerned with shattering glass ceilings than learning which fork to use.

Don’t get me wrong—I think manners matter now more than ever. In a world that often feels like a bully’s paradise, simple kindness can feel downright revolutionary. The etiquette we need today extends beyond simple decorum, focusing more on how we treat one another, show respect, and create space for connections and a sense of belonging.

Rather than worrying about pointless rules that focus more on appearance than authenticity, like the “proper” season to wear white, let’s reinvent how we approach etiquette. Here are my ideas.

1.      Be fully present.

Giving someone our full attention and genuinely listening to them is one of the kindest acts we can offer. Stow your phones unless you’re taking or sharing pictures.

2.       Let go of judgment – of others and self.

Give compassion and understanding freely, starting with yourself. In a world of instant judgment, why not offer the benefit of doubt? Besides, who died and made you Elvis?

3.      Kindness beats perfection.

You might forget a name, mispronounce a word, or spill your drink—but if you lead with kindness, people will remember how you made them feel. True kindness is strength. It’s about choosing to be generous when indifference is easier and having the courage to show compassion in a world that often prioritizes self-interest.

4.      Handle mistakes gracefully. Apologize quickly, take responsibility, and move forward. Most importantly, stay aware of your actions to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Accept apologies when they’re offered, and when they’re not, move on without letting grudges weigh you down.

5.      Give credit freely. Most of our accomplishments are not achieved alone. Recognize others’ ideas, contributions, and support that contribute to your success. At the same time, take credit when deserved, since you’re the one who did the heavy lifting.

6.      Everything isn’t all about you. It’s easy to think the world revolves around us, but we’re just one of millions, all doing our best to get through the day. Practicing patience, waiting your turn, and showing humility—especially when it comes to other people’s time—goes a long way in making the world a better place.

7.      Practice gratitude in action.

Say thank you—and mean it. Acknowledge people’s efforts, not just outcomes. Be generous. Follow up. Celebrate what’s going right. Gratitude isn’t just a feeling; it’s a way of moving through the world with grace.

8.      Leave things better than you found them.

The timeless lesson I learned from Girl Scouts—improving what we touch—isn’t just for campgrounds. Whether it’s our impact on environments, community service, or positively affecting the lives of others, making things better is the pinnacle of good manners.

9.      Show up and follow through.

Whether you’re getting paid, volunteering, or just doing a favor, when you say you’ll make something happen, follow through. Ask for help or mercy if you get stuck, but going silent and being unresponsive craters your credibility and is downright rude.

10.  Be authentic.

Don’t pretend to pay attention or do things just to be polite. Honesty matters, but so does tact. Speak your truth with compassion. You don’t have to diminish yourself to be polite—but you don’t have to bulldoze anyone either. Today’s etiquette means showing up as your real self and making space for others to do the same.  

Respect others’ right to show up as their full, authentic selves. Celebrate their truth, even if it looks different from your own. Our assignment isn’t to shrink or silence people. It’s to help them bloom.

While I’ve never considered the Finishing School for Modern Women to be about traditional etiquette, writing this piece made me realize that much of what I teach—and strive to embody—reflects the heart of modern manners. Respecting ourselves and others, building authentic connections, and staying aware of the impact we make in the world are all part of how I define etiquette today.

Superhero!

Being a modern woman isn’t easy—especially when patriarchal ideals keep stacking the deck against us. Raising our voices is revolutionary. Embracing our power is game-changing. So when someone assumes that a finishing school is about being quiet, pleasing, or playing by outdated rules, I get a little fiery—especially in a moment when our constitutional rights are on the line.

At the Finishing School for Modern Women, we’re not learning how to behave. We’re learning how to:

• Embrace our power.

• Upgrade the status quo.

• Unleash our full potential.

• Reinvent ourselves.

• Shift from “good girl” to self-actualized badass.

Not because we need finishing —but because we’re never finished.

And yes, we can still be polite while we start a revolution.

Because real etiquette isn’t about knowing which fork to use. It’s about living your values—and staying true to them, no matter what the world throws your way.

That’s what resistance looks like.

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 Did you know I've published a book?  Learn more about it here!

Now it's an audiobook too! Learn more about the audiobook here!

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Because We’re Never Finished  

The Finishing School for Modern Women, located in Wichita, Kansas, offers classes to help women find their authentic selves, not because we need finishing, but because we’re never finished. We bring together women of all ages to learn from experts and each other how to claim our power in business, finance, communication, and life.

To learn more about what we do:

https://www.finishingschoolformodernwomen.com  for our classes and free social membership.

Contact Us

Phone: 316-841-8927 Email: jill@finishingschoolformodernwomen.com