Stop the Madness: Rethinking New Year Resolutions
- Headmistress Jill Miller
- Jan 5
- 6 min read
Here we are at the beginning of another new year, for many, a time of reflection. Major markers of time, like birthdays, anniversaries, and other annual events, create a need to pause and think about where we’ve been and where we’re going. The new year is the Big Kahuna of this introspective assignment. We set resolutions around what we want to change in our lives. Create goals around what we want to accomplish. Set an intention for the New Year by choosing one word to define our life’s purpose. I’ve written about them all and put them into practice, like a good girl.
But this year is different. I don’t feel like doing any of these things. The whole idea of “New Year, New You” feels like a scam. Why do we think that the turning of a calendar will finally give us the gumption and self-control to finally make the changes we already know need to be made? What else can we work on that we’re not already trying to do, while trying to keep a grip on all the day-to-day nonsense in the struggle to hold onto our sanity, survive, and maybe even thrive? It’s all too much!
We go through New Year rituals because we think we should. They sound good, like we’re finally taking charge, but how many resolutions actually stick? Not many. Often, we set them out of guilt or because we think others expect it, shaming ourselves into the obvious. And if we were truly motivated, we wouldn’t wait for January 1 to start. Honestly? I’ve been racking my brain trying to remember my word for 2025—and I still can’t.
Maybe instead of asking what to do, it’s time to ask what to stop. We continue to do things out of a sense of duty or because that’s the way we’ve always done them, following these self-imposed rules without much thought. I’m starting to look at these habitual capitulations in my life and how I can free myself from what drains me by asking these questions.
Who am I serving?
I usually log what I eat into my Fitness Pal every day. It helps me be more thoughtful about what I’m eating and balance the nutrients I need to fuel my ambitions. But over the holidays, I didn’t stick to my normal regimen and missed several days. I had a pretty long track record going, and the thought of breaking that streak seemed wrong to my overachiever brain.
I started trying to remember everything I’d put into my mouth while spending time with family and friends, when it dawned on me. Who am I trying to please by recapturing what I ate to fill in the missed days – the app? Am I really such a people-pleaser that I feel the need to keep the program happy? That bot is not the boss of me! Besides, who will I really be letting down if I don’t log every morsel? No one.
Even if taking action, or not, did affect someone else, does it truly matter? We spend a lot of time taking care of others, but if they don’t notice or appreciate what we do, we have to wonder who we are really doing the work for – the people we think we’re serving who couldn’t care less, or the self-gratification of feeling like we’re making a difference. There is nothing wrong with doing something because it makes you feel good or enjoy helping others. But be honest with yourself about who you’re really serving rather than becoming a martyr for putting everyone else’s needs before your own. Why wear yourself out for no good reason?
Women already end up doing most of the “invisible work,” the tasks that need to get done and that someone needs to do, so they often fall to women. To the people who don’t do the work, it must seem like fairies have magically appeared to do it. What would happen if the fairies needed a day off and stopped showing up? Maybe unappreciative people would have to start taking care of themselves.
What will I start saying “no” to?
The big problem is we’re stressing ourselves out doing things no one expects of us. I am guilty of expecting more of myself than is humanly possible, working myself to the bone to do it, and then beating myself up for the things I didn’t get done. I don’t have a boss telling me what to do, so I’m doing this to myself.
This one is the hardest for me, because I don’t even know how to say no to myself. When I’m stressed or bored, I start thinking about what action I can take and devise a plan with so many moving parts that I end up feeling more overwhelmed with less time to spend on everything else. It’s easy to be active for activity's sake, feeling like doing anything will bring you closer to your goals, when sometimes stillness is the best way to let opportunities come to you.
What will I stop saying “no” to?
Asking for and accepting help has always been challenging for me, so I’ve been practicing accepting help. When someone offers to do something for me or give me something, I usually try to tell them, “I will not tell you no.” People want to show you they love you by helping. Who am I to refuse their fun?
That tactic paid off in bread for Christmas dinner at a recent family outing at Texas Roadhouse. They kept bringing out their delicious, fresh-baked rolls, the waitress reminding us that any leftovers could be taken home, so there was no reason to refuse refills. At the end of the meal, she asked if we wanted extra rolls to bring home, and I told her, “I will not tell you no.” She brought out a tower of boxes. I thanked her and let her know that the person who was supposed to be bringing bread to dinner the next day was notorious for forgetting, and that she probably just saved Christmas. She asked if I wanted more, and again I told her, “I will not tell you no.” We ended up with two and a half dozen rolls, enough for leftover sandwiches after the holiday.
What is no longer serving me? This one can be hard to answer. It’s complicated, especially when we enjoy what we’re doing or when it gives us a false sense of security. Sometimes it can be energy-draining relationships that need pruning, feeling trapped in time-consuming projects that go nowhere, or helping other people achieve their goals without considering our own.
Things that no longer serve us can be little ways we’ve always done things that we find to be unnecessary, like sorting laundry, accepting wine at events when you really don’t like drinking wine, or traveling to spend time with toxic relatives. Stop automatically following the rules and think about what you’re doing on autopilot, what feels heavy and draining, and what sucks the joy out of your life. You may not be able to change everything you don’t like, but you can stop spending your life obediently following the status quo and be more fulfilled for it.
If you’re not sure where to start, talk to someone you love and trust about this. Sometimes others can see what we can’t and may give some hints of where to start. Other ways to get a jump start involve your creativity, putting your thoughts on paper through whatever creative expression is meaningful to you. Just putting my feelings into words always helps me figure things out.
Thinking about what I want to stop doing is not a resolution, a goal, or a focused word. It is a quest.
Resolutions are what good girls set. They’re tidy, respectable, and easy to explain to others. They follow the rules, fit neatly on a list, and come with a quiet hope for approval, proof that we’re trying hard enough, being responsible enough, doing it “right.”
A quest doesn’t care about approval. It isn’t neat, public, or performative. A quest asks better questions: Why am I doing this? Who is it really for? What would happen if I stopped? It requires curiosity instead of compliance, honesty instead of discipline, and the courage to disappoint people, including the version of myself that learned early on that being good was safer than being free.
NOPE.
Writing this article accidentally handed me the perfect word for the year. Not a mantra. Not a goal. Just the sound my brain makes when it notices I’m about to agree to something for no good reason, out of habit, guilt, or because I once made eye contact.
NOPE is how I interrupt my own autopilot. It’s the moment I realize I’m following invisible rules written by no one, enforced by no one, and enthusiastically upheld by me. It’s choosing less—less obligation, less martyrdom, and far fewer things that make me ask myself, “Why am I doing this?”
Letting go isn’t a loss. It’s freedom. Maybe with dinner rolls.
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