Let’s Give the Rules of Aging a Makeover
Updated: 5 minutes ago
Sierra Scott and I recently talked about how we view aging at the September Empowered Senior Seminar at Botanica, and the conversation got me thinking about where those views came from in the first place. Most of us had an answer to the question of what aging looks like long before we had any personal experience with it.
What does aging look like?
Most of us had an answer to that question long before we had any personal experience with it. We learned what “old” looked like from our parents and grandparents, from television and movies, advertising, and popular culture. We absorbed those images without really thinking about them, and somewhere along the way, they became part of the picture we carried around in our heads.
But the problem is - these pictures are seriously outdated.
Think about the people you remember seeing on television when you were growing up. Ma and Pa Kettle, who were supposed to be in their 50s, were worn out, frumpy, and set in their ways. They had 15 children, so that probably had something to do with why they were so exhausted. Archie and Edith Bunker were presented as an older married couple, even though Archie was supposed to be 50. Then came The Golden Girls, where Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose were all in their 50s. I look at those characters now and think, “Wait. They were HOW old?” I had always thought they were much older.
Our ideas about aging were shaped by people who were living in a very different time. Yet many of us are still measuring our lives against those old images.
That can have real consequences. If you believe that a certain age means you should slow down, stop taking risks, dress a certain way, retire from anything interesting, or simply settle for a smaller life, you may start making choices based on a stereotype rather than on what you actually want.
We Don't All Age the Same Way
One of the biggest problems with how we talk about aging is that we tend to treat it as though there is a single experience. There isn't.
Some people can't wait to retire. Others have no intention of stopping work. Some people want to travel, start a business, learn to paint, or finally write the book they've been thinking about for years. Others are perfectly happy spending their time with family, gardening, volunteering, or pursuing quieter interests. Some people become more adventurous as they get older. Others become more comfortable staying close to home.
All of those are legitimate ways to live.
Getting older doesn't erase the personality you've spent your life developing. If you were curious at 30, you can be curious at 75. If you loved fashion at 40, there's no reason you have to stop loving it at 70. If you were funny, ambitious, creative, opinionated, or adventurous, none of those qualities come with an expiration date.
Age is one thing we have in common. How we experience it is remarkably individual.
Some Things Actually Get Better
We spend a tremendous amount of time talking about what gets harder as we age. We talk about health, energy, appearance, retirement, and all the things we may lose or have to adjust to. Those are legitimate concerns, but they aren't the whole story.
There are also things that get better.
For many of us, getting older means caring less about what other people think. We have enough experience to recognize which battles are worth fighting and which ones aren't worth five minutes of our time. We know ourselves better, and we're often much clearer about what matters and what doesn't.
Think about how much time you spent worrying when you were younger about whether people liked you, whether you were doing the right thing, or whether you measured up. As we get older, we realize that a lot of those worries weren't nearly as important as they seemed.
That kind of perspective is earned. You can't download it. You have to live long enough to acquire it.
And that's one of the things I like about getting older. We may have less tolerance for nonsense, but we also have a much better idea of where we want to spend our time and energy.
Don't Let Getting Older Turn into Disappearing
Another part of aging doesn't get enough attention: visibility.
Sometimes other people stop seeing us as we get older. That's a cultural problem, and it's frustrating. But we can also contribute to our own invisibility without realizing it. We stop speaking up. We stop trying new things. We stop going places. We stop wearing clothes we love because we're afraid they're too much. We start assuming that certain opportunities are for younger people.
Getting older doesn't require any of that.
You can keep participating in the world. You can learn something completely new even if everyone else in the class is half your age. You can change your hair, wear the outrageous jacket, take the trip, start the business, join the group, or simply decide that you're going to be seen.
My guiding philosophy is, “Never lose your glam factor.” It doesn't mean looking young. It means looking and feeling like yourself. Photographer and author Ari Seth Cohen, creator of Advanced Style, has spent years photographing older people whose personal style completely challenges the idea that fashion and self-expression don’t have to disappear as we get older.
You don't have to dress a certain way because you're a certain age. You don't have to stop caring about your appearance, either. The goal isn't to look younger. It's to look like you.
What Do You Want Now?
There's another advantage to getting older that we don't talk about enough: you have information.
You've learned what you like and what you don't. You've made mistakes. You've made good decisions. You've survived bad ones. You've discovered which relationships are worth your energy and which ones aren't. You may have spent decades meeting other people's expectations, and now you may finally have the opportunity to focus on what makes you happy.
That makes this an excellent time to ask a simple question: What do I want?
Not what should I want. Not what would make my family happy. Not what would make me look successful. Not what I thought I wanted when I was 25.
What do I want now?
The answer may be something you've wanted for years. It may be something completely unexpected. You may want to do more, or you may want to do considerably less. You may want to change careers, move somewhere new, fall in love, learn something you've always been curious about, or finally give yourself permission to stop doing something you never really enjoyed in the first place.
One of the gifts of experience is realizing you are allowed to change your mind.
There Is Still a “What's Next?”
We tend to think of life as a series of chapters: childhood, education, career, marriage, children, retirement. Once we reach a certain age, the story can start to feel like it's winding down.
But real life doesn't work that neatly.
There isn't a universal point at which you're supposed to stop being curious about what's next. There isn't an age when you're required to stop making plans or trying new things. And there certainly isn't a rule that says the most interesting things have to happen early in your life.
So ask yourself what's stopping you.
Sometimes it's money or circumstances. Sometimes there are legitimate limitations. But sometimes the answer is fear. Sometimes it's waiting for the “right” time. Sometimes it's worrying about what other people will think. And sometimes it's simply the assumption that you're too old.
That's the assumption worth challenging.
It’s Time for New Rules
We grew up with a picture of what aging was supposed to look like. But we're living in a different world, and we're reaching ages that previous generations experienced very differently.
We don't have to accept the old rules just because they're familiar.
Getting older can mean becoming more comfortable with who you are, more selective about how you spend your time, and more willing to make choices that actually fit your life. It can mean trying something new because you finally have the confidence to do it. It can mean caring less about expectations and more about what makes your life interesting and meaningful.
It also means accepting that aging isn't going to look the same for everyone—and that's a good thing.
So maybe the question isn't, “How old am I?”
Maybe the more interesting question is, “What do I want my age to mean?”
Because we're not simply inheriting a definition of aging anymore.
We're writing the rules now.
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